The Muslim Family

[Tasleem]

Family is the bedrock, cradle of human civilisation. It is the foundation and basis of Muslim society. Family gives security, anchor, stability and tranquillity among the close blood related and other members.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

“O Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord, Who created you from a single soul, created of like Nature, his mate, and from the two created and Spread many men and women; and be mindful of your duty to God whose name you appeal to one another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily God watches over you”. Qur'an (4:1)

The Islamic family system brings the rights of the husband, wife, children, and relatives into a fine equilibrium. It nourishes unselfish behaviour, generosity, and love within the framework of a well-organized family system. The peace and security offered by a stable family unit is greatly valued by Islam, and it is seen as essential for the spiritual growth of its members. A harmonious social order is created by the existence of extended families and by treasuring children.

The institutions of marriage and the family have been commended as the ‘way of the Prophets’.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

"And surely We have sent Messengers before you, and we assigned to them wives and offspring; and it was not for any Messenger to bring assign except by God's leave. For every term has a Book." Qur'an (13:38)

And the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said:

“Marriage is a part of my Sunnah. Whoever runs away from my path is not from amongst us”. [Ibn Majah, Book of Marriage]

Moreover a Muslim family has its unique features, e.g. it provides a secure and healthy 'home' environment for all its members, it guards against passions of whims and desires and directs them to wholesome and meaningful pursuit, it proliferates human virtues, such as, love compassion, sacrifice, justice etc. and it provides a refuge against any difficulty.

And since the family is the microcosm of a society and as such there are distinct role for its members.

Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) says:

"Each one of you is a trustee (shepherd) and is accountable for that which is entrusted to him. A ruler is trustee and is accountable for his trust, a man is a trustee in respect of his family, a woman is a trustee in respect of her husband's house and children." (Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim).

Men has the leadership role in the family and in the family women have to be loyal to men.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

"Men are the supporters of women, because Allah has stowed on the one more than the other, and for what they have to provide (for them) from their sources. So the righteous women are obedient and protect in the absence of their husbands that which God ordains to be protected." Qur'an (4:34)

Leadership raises the question of responsibility, consultation and justice. As shepherd of the house women have responsibility over the house and children.

Parents are to provide their children with basic human necessities, such as food, cloth, shelter, education and medical support. This is treated as and Ibadah (worship) for the parents. Also parents should provide their children with love, warmth, compassion, etc. As human being consists of body and spirit, parents must provide their children with the life skills and spiritual nourishment.

Also there are many traditions regarding children's responsibility toward their parents. As God ask children to obey and serve their parents and be kind and decent to them. Bukhari and Muslim narrated,

'A man came to Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) and asked permission to go to Jihad (fighting for the sake of Islam). The Prophet asked him, "are your parents alive?" The man said, "yes". The Prophet responded, "then strive to serve them."

The rights and responsibilities within the family are inter-twined. One's responsibility is the other's right. Rights and duties of husband, wife, parents and children are inscribed in Shariah (God's Commands). No Superiority except in Piety.

What Islam has established is equitability in the role of sexes because of many factors, such as, physiological, physical, emotional, etc. Allah has no bias for or against men and women.

No burden bearer can bear another's burden.

Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) has stressed the importance of good conduct in the family.

"The best of you is the best to his family and I am the best among you to my family". "The most perfect believers are the best in conduct, and the best of you are those who are best to their spouses " (Tirmidhi).

Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) shared household works with his wives. For genuine economic reasons both the spouses might need to engage in financial activities. But rearing up and educating children cannot be compromised. There should be frank discussion and consultation between the spouses. Children need to be involved as and when necessary and also in order to train them to become responsible in their lives.

Extended family with three to four generations under the same family structure helps Muslims to acquire many social qualities, such as sacrifice, compromise, respect, affection, consultation etc. There is mutual support in case of needs. There may be some inherent difficulties in this arrangement, but, after all, children should also learn to live in the realities of life.

Thus the family enjoys a high status in Islam. It is the core of the society, because a healthy family means a healthy society. Hence Allah, the Exalted, commands that parents be treated with gentleness and submissiveness.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

"And we have enjoined upon man (to be good) to his parents. With difficulty upon difficulty did his mother bear him and wean him for two years. Show gratitude to Me and to your parents; to Me is your final goal."(Qur'an 31:14)

[zohra]

Extended family with three to four generations under the same family structure helps Muslims to acquire many social qualities, such as sacrifice, compromise, respect, affection, consultation etc. There is mutual support in case of needs. There may be some inherent difficulties in this arrangement, but, after all, children should also learn to live in the realities of life.

A good topic, but family life now is not what it was 10-15 years ago, when i was young, i think the basic factor against it now isnt just time and respect for each other.

In my house, my kids, my in-laws and brother in-law only occasionally eat, sit and talk together as a whole family unit, yet we rarley get together with anyone from outside the house.

Not like with my EXTENDED complete family at my Nana's house, there loads of us, my sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties, their kids, neighbours, their kids, and this was just a normal day, if there was a wedding there would be cousins and their family and relatives from Durban too, and ijust mean all staying under one roof. Those were the best times, there was so much going on as a family, it was mad but just like it should be as a family.

It is this togertherness which is missing and lacking in todays Muslim family homes. Personally i think living in this society and the general improvement in our education has definetly shifted Islamic values from our family .

[Faith]

i ccan see were your coming from sister Zohra, when i was younger the whole family used to get together and now it aint like that no more. they used to all stay at our house even the cousins who lived in the same town used to stay over. but as we grew older they they dont come often, those where the days, we had so much fun. although at my nanis house most of us still get together, mainly the big holidays and still have so much fun ;D its good to be with the whole family. it also make you and the whole family closed to.

[star]

i agree with you all, nowadays its all about individualism, people are mort out for themselves rather than thinking about their families, am not talkin about all of you, i just mean more in general, even when i was younger we all used to get togther at holidays and wedding times and it was so much fun, for young and old!!! now when we want to organise something together with everyone its hard because one person has something planned for this weekend and some one else has got summit planeed for the rest, etc, etc. its just not the same!!

[Nudrat]

Glad you younger girls agree, families are the bedrock of Islamic life, and when you have kids, you'll appreciate the togetherness of the unit even more.

[Tasleem]

Najma said:

nowadays its all about individualism, people are mort out for themselves rather than thinking about their families.

The loosening of family ties within today’s society has much to do with the increase of Western ideals amongst the young. As Sister Najma rightfully pointed out, it’s all about 'individualism' – ‘looking after number 1’. Britain has a very individualistic society, which contrasts enormously with that of traditional Eastern cultures where people tend to be part of a wider community and where family ties extend to members outside the nuclear family. The majority of White people in the West have very little contact with their parents, siblings and grandparents, let alone uncle and aunts! The only time they get together is for Christmas, weddings and funerals. It is therefore comforting to know that we British Asian Muslims have not yet reached this point and have still managed to hold on to some of the religious and cultural traditions taught to us by our parents.

Generally speaking, we seem to have a closer family unit than our White counterparts. Such traditional family units help provide mutual support in times of crisis and needs. Not only is this significant from an Islamic point of view, but social support has been linked with a decrease in ailments such as heart disease and mental illness! Research show poor social relations and support to be reported as risk factors for many diseases. A sense of community is also thought to give a sense of well-being....Hmmmm, perhaps talking on this message board is therapeutic in its own right!?? - Nice! ;D

[Muslimah]

Personally I think as Sister Zohra has pointed out, education can in some places be negative from a familys point of view. Young independent girls with a college and uni education tend to choose a career, which forces families and weddings out of the equation. What use is a career to a Muslimah when the family is so much more important in Islam.

[Tasleem]

Muslimah said:

Personally I think as Sister Zohra has pointed out, education can in some places be negative from a familys point of view. Young independent girls with a college and uni education tend to choose a career, which forces families and weddings out of the equation. What use is a career to a Muslimah when the family is so much more important in Islam.

You have a point there sister. But we mustn't generalise. It depends on the person. Lets look at me for instance - I'm studying at university, but I have always been told by my parents that I may study as much as I want but whether I work or not will depend on my husband. I have also been told that my education will NOT go to waste as I can always start a career after I've had kids, such as when they’re at school.

Now that I am much older, I still hold those views that were instilled in me as a child. Yes, I would love to work and make use of the degree I have worked so hard towards. But I know the importance of 'family life' and having children in Islam, so I will NEVER let a career hinder my chances of being a good parent, wife, daughter-in-law etc.

So, my point is that education has very little to do with it - the views you hold are often a result of the parenting you have received. No doubt, education will have some effect, as would television, friends, teachers, and the media - but how your parents have bought you up will often reflect the attitudes and ideals you hold.

[Muslimah]

Tasleem said:

You have a point there sister. But we mustn't generalise. It depends on the person. Lets look at me for instance - I'm studying at university, but I have always been told by my parents that I may study as much as I want but whether I work or not will depend on my husband. I have also been told that my education will NOT go to waste as I can always start a career after I've had kids, such as when they’re at school.

Now that I am much older, I still hold those views that were instilled in me as a child. Yes, I would love to work and make use of the degree I have worked so hard towards. But I know the importance of 'family life' and having children in Islam, so I will NEVER let a career hinder my chances of being a good parent, wife, daughter-in-law etc.

So, my point is that education has very little to do with it - the views you hold are often a result of the parenting you have received. No doubt, education will have some effect, as would television, friends, teachers, and the media - but how your parents have bought you up will often reflect the attitudes and ideals you hold.

Its only natural for you to disagree because of the path you have led. I am not saying its a wrong path, BUT in some case (as i have already stated) some girls extend their career/working lives well beyond reasoning much to the deterrement of the family, home and parents. Education is all well and good but what use is an extended education to todays young Muslim mother ?

If and when you have kids, and you decide to leave them at home, at what age will you be able to resume your normal parenting duties as well as your role as a mother to them ?

[Tasleem]

Muslimah said:

Its only natural for you to disagree because of the path you have led. I am not saying its a wrong path, BUT in some case (as i have already stated) some girls extend their career/working lives well beyond reasoning much to the deterrement of the family, home and parents.

You're probably right - I'm likely to feel the way I do because I'm studying. But I know I won't be the only who feels this way. The younger sisters on this message board will no doubt agree with me that balancing a career and a family CAN be possible.

Education is all well and good but what use is an extended education to todays young Muslim mother ?

An educated Muslim mother may not be responsible for providing and supporting the family, but she is responsible for educating her children. A Muslim mother with an extended education can also be role model to her kids. No doubt, children with educated parents would be expected to do better, study hard and go to university. Surely, a mother’s education cannot go to waste if it encourages one's own kids to study and obtain good careers??

If and when you have kids, and you decide to leave them at home, at what age will you be able to resume your normal parenting duties as well as your role as a mother to them ?

Sorry, I can only answer this when I am a mother. Only time will tell what I decide and how I feel at the time. This may sound daft to some, but personally, having a career is not as important as having an education. You see, I'm a traditionalist and would like my husband to support me and my children. But I must admit, I would like to work at some point in my life - not because of the money or status, but simply for the experience.

Hmmm....It's so easy for me to say all this now and argue my point like this.....I guess we'll have to see what happens when my time comes!