WHEN WILL ALLAH HAVE MERCY ON ME?

[maliha]

Bismillahir Rahmanir RaheeM,
Dear Imam Saab,
After much thought , I think only Allah and experts have the answers to relationship issues.
Love is a gamble.Some are good at it and know what they are getting into .....while some always loose.
I'm 32 yrs old and I have been SEEING Steven ,31 ,for a almost 2 yrs now.We are both divorcees and come from different cultures and religions.It caused a huge uproar in my family when I decided to see a white american guy,who changed his religion for me ,but I was looked down upon with distaste and hatred in my family and society for the longest time.My brothers stopped talking to me coz they felt that I had crossed the limits of Islamic morals and everybody in the society kept calling My family and me names because I was seeing a white guy.My rationalization was "He is a muslim .He is a sweet and kind person and understands me.I dont think he's in any way comparable to the abuser that you had chosen for me and who beat me up for no reason.Besides ,I had tried to get help from my parents when I was being brutally beaten up by my ex-husband and they turned a blind eye to it.He used to drink and they felt It was in my hands to make him stop.He urinated on me and did all kinds of derogatory things and yet it didn't matter to my parents or my brothers.Islam doesn't permit this!!.Istayed in the marriage for 2 years.I left home ,stayed in a Shelter and Suffered until one of my uncles ,May Allah (SBUH,)bless him came and helped me.I got my divorce in 4 months.when I began working I started going to school and I met Steven.He was after me and most interested in knowing about our religion .I wasn't intersted in him the way he was and one day he told me that he wante d to convert to Islam.He's done Islamic history at UIC during graduation and knew quite a lot about it.I told him where to go but he insisted that i accompany him.I did as I was curious about this conversion thing too.He converted att The Masjid-AL-Huda and is now called Nasr.He prays as many times as he can .His memory is really goood and he even recites the Quran.Somewhere down the line I discovered he was unlike most men I had met and seen.He was kind and got into the depth of the religion and even now spends his time at the library reading on Islam.As a gentleman ,he told me that he wanted to meet my parents and ask my hand in marriage.I knew my family would never understand .Anyways he spoke to them over the phone but instad got threatened by my brothers saying they would skin him alive.A year went by and me and my family were at loggerheads with each other.I worked odd-jobs and went to my psychiatrist for help as the abuse had left me damaged.My dad still calls me a whore and slut and names like that !!. It's not like ever done anything of the sort to defame my family.he has always abusd me.What my family hates about me I think is my assertiveness.My dad spends whatever money he can get his hands on into horse racing and when I find out...he starts abusing me verbally.He doesn't abuse my brothes ..only me.even though he's paralysed today...he hasn't changed.When I was 21,my parents forced me to marry my first cousin who was in love with another girl at that time.I told my mother about the affair but she just brushed it off as INFATUATION.My first husband never accepted me as a wife and divorced me in 4 months.He too used to drink ,gamble and womenise.I lead 8 years in India with the tag of a divorcee and went into depression.My In-Laws were afterall my Uncle and Aunt .My parents had a Love Marriage .But I was left with no choices...except to get closer to Allah.My family thought the divorde happened coz I was posessed by some jinn.I've been put through enough!!.Finally after accomplishing myself and thinking let bygones be bygones,I allowed my elders to choose for me again at 29 yrs of age...and another BLUNDER happened.But mmy question is ,Imam saab,during the pain and torture why didn't my family help me?.
Now coming to point ,amidst the one year of dating and standing up for this relationship with Steve,I realize d that I am a qualified MBA from India and can go back to school and get an american equivalent .On the other hand,Steve ,has a bachelor's degree in Liberal arts and didn't work after his divorce for almost 2 yrs.Upon asking he said he was in deep depression.I asked him if he got help and he said he went to an Internist and took medications for sometime and they only made him feel worse and so he stopped.I wondered why he had hidden all this from me or had I not seen it-and taken it as his calm demeanor?.Knowing this ,I wanted Steve to get a life and live like a Zombie.One day he told me about wanting to kill himself because he had lost his zest for life ..He told me about how his faher had abused him and his ex-wife had affairs with other men.I knew I had to help him.
I spoke to my psychiatrist and he said he would like to see Steve.they met and he was referred to another psychiatrist and a therapist.He is on medication now and there has been terrific improvement.
I urged him to join school and he wasn't sure which course he wanted to take and wanted me to tell him.I suggested accounting,Medical billing and coding whatever he wanted and could see a future in.He choose med billing and coding.I was going to school and so was he and I decided that this was the moment to barge into my house and introduce steve to them .I did.Steve even asked my dad for my hand in marriage and my parents were happy but they said the first and foremost condition was that he have a stable income and I do too.Marriages can happen later.
He promised them that it would happen coz he loved me.
From then on my parents grew so fond of him that he came over almost every other day but my youngest brother has always disliked the idea of dating and was never hospitable towards Steve.He always said ws doing a sin.I guesss i'm never any good.I took flak from my mom's brother who said that my were allowing prostitution in their house and had no control over me.
Whats been hurting me is the fact that after completing nearly two semesters in medical billing and coding Steve says he doesn't want to continue with course anymore.He said I had forced him to join the course.If it was up to him he would have taken up something that interested him.I asked him what that might be?.He said he didn't know.I asked him when would he know ,his reply was "I don't know".I suggested that he take a catalog of courses and job prospects I had with me and then decide and his reply was"How will I know ...there are soo many courses and I think computers is interesting .I want you to help me in computers."
I told him "quite frankly,I only the basics.I can only help you with those .but what will you do when the course gets advanced?".He replied"I don't know".when we went to my parents ..I was really irritated and knew I had to discuss this issue with Mom.I did and she explained to Steve that financial stability was important for marriage and a man needed to hold a good job.he told her that "I work at Marshall Fields.I have a Stable Job(he makes $9.50/hr).Is she marrying me for the money or for the job?".She explained and he acted like he understood and then he left.
This scenario has occur ed with me twice before..that's why I needed to involve my mother this time and take your advice as well.I have explained to him over the phone that I have my principles in life and I have never blamed him for anything.I told him he was being obstinate and had no desire to do better in life and I don't want to lead my life struggling for money and deal with his mood -swings.I'm not his mother .He always throws it back on my face by saying"you're just being this way cozz of your depression!!".NOW WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT?LIKE HE'S SOO PERFECT.I HAVE DECIDED TO AVOID HIM UNTIL I HEAR FROM YOU.I HAVE ALWAYS HELPED EVERYONE AND TODAY NO BODY ELSE HAS LABELS LIKE I DO. I always had faith in allah and wont loose it but I cant bear listening to this stuff anymore just because I'm helpless.Afterall,Hasn't Allah (SUBH )said..instead of back answering and bickkering just leave the situation with your dignity and pride intact?.

I work as a caregiver for seniors and it's hard work but maybe Allah will give me some sawaab for it.My family calls me a sinner and a failure...maybe Allah will cleanse me of my sins.There's not a moment of peace in our house.My dad is responsible for this.I can't take the screams and swearing anymore.and all he says when he sees me is ..where is the money?.How much did you make?I'll go insane If i live here anylonger.as far as Steve is concerned It is Upto Allah to knock sennse into him.I am unable to eat anything because of all this.My doctor wants me to gain weight..but I can't.OH ALLAH PLEASE LISTEN TO MY PLEAS!!!.

I f there are any duas I can recite during these trying times ..please help me.

JAZAK'ALLAH-U-KHAIR
sincerely,
eagerly waiting for your reply,
Maliha.

[Imam]

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Assalamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,


May Allah the Almighty's Peace and Blessings shower upon our Most Beloved Prophet Hadrat Muhammad Mustafa (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa aalihi wa Sallam).


Dearest Sister in Islam,



I pray that this message finds you in good health and iman and apologies in the delay in answering your question.


I advise you, to exercise the utmost caution in this situation. Love often blinds us to certain realities particular in your difficult emotional circumstances. When a Muslim woman becomes attracted to a newly converted Muslim man, she needs to ask herself some important questions.


1. Why do I love this person? How is he bringing me closer to my Creator?

2. If I weren't in the picture, would he still be interested in Islam?

3. Do I want to be married to a man whose sole interest in Islam is because of me, rather than for Allah?

4. What happens if we marry and have children? Will he be able to provide a good example of Muslim manhood, especially to my sons?

5. How will this affect my relationship with my family, especially my parents?

6. How will I get along with non-Muslim in-laws? Will I be comfortable in such a situation?



This is the difficult part: you need to separate your emotions from this situation and really think about the consequences of the future. There is the possibility that after marriage he may never practice. This has happened to many Muslim women, who often find themselves wishing that they'd considered the long-term. Or, he may end up being a very sincere Muslim. Only Allah Most High knows what is in his heart.


What you must do is be the best example of a Muslimah to him. Show him by your character and conduct the right way to do things: the way that is most pleasing to Allah the Almighty. Turn to Allah with your hopes and prayers. Make istikhara, the guidance prayer.


First of all you have to make sure that you, and your husband are living the lives of fulltime Muslims, and not living the lives of part-time Muslims. Living the lives of Muslims includes keeping Allah the Almighty pleased, doing things for His pleasure. So the first thing Allah the Almighty asks you to do is perform Salaah.


Salaah has so many advantages, that you wouldnt even be able to count them, or know about them even though they were in front of you. You would probably think, that was going to happen anyway.


Secondly, once your Salaah starts to wash away your sins, cleanses you physically and spiritually, changes the way you look, act, talk, and prevents you from doing any bad deeds, your husband also needs to do the same. The above should also reflect in him also.


You may find that you have very little to do except pray your five times salaah, stay in a state of wudhu', in addition, the next best thing to do is to engage yourself in the recitation of the Qur'an-al-Karim, try and get a copy of the English translation of the Qur'an, to study it, to recite it, and to read its exegisis and commentaries. I think you may find the translation of the Qur'an called Kanz-ul-Imaan', in its commentary with 'Noor-ul-Irfan' ideal.


Then comes the basic ethics of Islam, to talk to people like you would expect to be talked to. To have understanding, show understanding, patience, be thankful for what you have and never to be ungrateful. This will build your character strong, and enable you to talk to a lot more people and have more friends.


If there is a Mosque near you where women also attend, then it is a good idea to visit the Mosque, with your husband, so that you know that there is some form of security for you. Similarly your husband needs to do the same if he is'nt going to Mosque, he should have a group of friends amongst him with whom he can talk and socialise. Insha'Allah, magnificent changes will take place in your lives.


Try and not neglect time, try and be punctual for all your Salaah times, and after every Salaah, recite:

'Subhan-Allah' 33 times,
'Alhamdu Lillah' 33 times,
and 'Allahu Akbar 34 times ...

This will rid you of any financial difficuties that you may have, and make you carefree of money. However you should still attend work, and continue with youR studies as normal.


Try praying 'Darood Shareef' at least one-hundred times each day. Also try praying:

'laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billahil 'alayil 'azim'

One hundred times every day.

Of course when you are free you may recite more. There is no limit in this.


Be nice to your parents. Once you have joined the Straight Path, then Allah (Exalted is He) will bestow His numerous Bounties upon you. You should tell your parents about praying Salaah also, making them regular, and also your brothers and sisters, so that they begin to look at you as a role model, instead of what you had described earlier.


People will begin to listen to you Insha'Allah, and they will want guidance from you, and advice from you. The latter you will no longer be, and they will begin to realise that she has changed herself, so why can she not change others.


This may take a little while for the reform to take place, but never get tired of what you are doing, always be on the verge of something new. Plan a few trips maybe to 'umrah or Hajj Insha'Allah, and take your husband with you. Plan to go to a different country, where you can explore what the real Islamic life is there, and how it can affect you. Go to the so-called 'Ziyarat' sights, where you can ask for help and forgiveness from your passed sins, and dont let any other devilish thought enter your mind.


Finally repent in front of Allah the Almighty with a sincere heart, and promise Him that you will never ever be lead astray ever again, that you will always remember Him, and follow in the footsteps of His Most Beloved Prophet (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam).


This could be done in this month of Ramadhan, while you are fasting, what better time than not to! Buy some Islamic Du'a books and learn off by heart as many as you can. Learn all the different Darood Sharifs, and learn some surahs from the Qur'an al karim.


The world is not as bad as it seems, its just us that needs a little cleansing from time to time!


May Allah the Almighty give us all the opportunity (tawfiq) to follow in the way in which He wants us to follow Him, and may He keep us away from the way that is unpleasing to Him.


I hope my little advice, is of use to you, and that you will begin to change if you have not already, during this Ramadhan Sharif, if not earlier.


Allah guides whom He wills.

M. Waseem Ashrafi