Marriage, love, my future

[muslima]

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Assalam-alaimkum,

I met someone, a non-muslim, it was just through studies, I just happened to work with him, I never had any feelings for him for long time, it didn’t even occur to me that it could ever happen, I never meant to fall for him, he didn’t mean to fall for me either. But we did, because after getting to know him through day-to-day work, not privately meeting him or anything, I didn’t encourage myself to like him, it was just through friendship and having to work together, one day I realised how much I felt for him. At that point I saw so much good in him that I couldn’t get myself to turn back. I had very weak faith before when I first met him, I didn’t know much and didn’t wonder much about Islam. But after getting to know him and having feelings for him it made me think about my life and Allah, and why he lives the way he does and why I believe, why Islam is the correct path. Loving him has brought me much closer to Islam and Allah, I just don’t understand. Loving him is not good so why has this helped me?

I see so much good in him, he is a much better human being than me. He respects Islam and has never tried to take advantage of me or asked for anything from me, (we haven’t committed fornification). He just isn’t lucky enough to have an Islamic family or any influence to have taught him to follow Islam from childhood like I have, that is why he has this western lifestyle. I always ask myself why was he not given what chance I have been given if he is much better human than me?

He says he believes in one God, but he doesn’t know what else to believe, because there is so much information out there and religions, it is hard to know what information is the truth. When he tries to find out he gets so confused that he gives up sometimes. I have been trying to help him, to guide him, but I haven’t managed to help him follow the right path. At first it was because I love him because I didn’t know Islam, but now I understand my faith more, and feel closer to Allah, I try to help him learn about Islam because I don’t want his innocent heart to follow Satan and please Satan or to go to hell, I want him to be close to Allah. I would love to marry him one day, because I love him, he wants to marry me too. But I don’t try to help him learn Islam for me, I could never want that or do that. As I believe that is wrong, you should only believe for Allah, not for any human.

We have known each other for long time now and I don’t know why but has always and still he chooses to love me, even though we don’t really see each other of have a physical relationship. If he wanted he could be with a non-muslim girl and have everything he desires.

I always prey to Allah to help me and him to follow the right path, to give us the chance to love each other in halal path, because that is what I really want.

Recently I have been receiving serious marriage proposals, I don’t know what to do. I have thought so much about it, I don’t want to hurt my family either, if I hurt my mum Allah will not forgive me. Also telling anybody in my family will not solve or help the situation and they will hate me, they will not understand, it will just hurt them, make them panic and cause them to force me to make rushed decisions I don’t want to. I understand why they will behave that way, because unless they have been in the same situation they will not know, they would be worried, which is reasonable and only want to do what is best for me. But I don’t know what to do. I cant stop loving him, or wanting him, I don’t have bad intentions and I don’t want to take the wrong path, I would never runaway or anything like that. I love Allah and don’t want to hurt my family. But I love him so much, and I cant stop feeling this way. I always pray to Allah, I will continue to, as I know Allah knows best. But how can I agree to marriage when I feel this way, when I still pray to spend my life with someone else? And how can I say no to marriage, my family wont take no for an answer, I understand why too, as it is furz to get married.

He understands and tells me to do what is right for me, for my religion and my family. But because he is so understanding, and he never encourages me to do what is best for him, it just makes me love him more. I don’t know why this has happened, it might be a test of faith. If it is I know I will pass, because I will never marry him as a non-muslim, Allah is most important to me, I will force myself to be arranged and marry someone else however much it hurts me. But because I believe in Allah, I know Allah can do anything and I know Allah knows how I feel and our intentions, that’s is why I cannot seem to give up hope to be with him.

But how long do I carry on hoping, what if Allah doesn’t wish for us to be together. I’m not sure I have the strength to accept another man. That is what I am most scared of, being married to another man and having my love in my heart. I don’t want to commit that sin as a wife. I feel so trapped, I know if I call Allah, it may take sometime, because I am not a good muslim and I cannot expect Allah to answer my prayers, but I know I have a pure heart when it comes to Allah, so I have hope he will help me one day. It is just hard to know what to do, when I don’t know what to do with my love and my marriage proposals. Everything is moving forward, out of my control and I am just praying and letting them happen, because I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me that Allah gives me relief one day soon and takes my heart the right way.

[Imam]

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.

Wa'alaykum 'Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu


All praises are for Allah the Almighty, who is the Lord of the Worlds, and may Endless Blessings be showered upon His Most Beloved Prophet & Final Messenger (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa 'aalihi wa Sallam).



Dear Sister in Islam Jazak'Allah for your question. I am pleased, and I am worried at the same time, at the story that you have just related to me. First of all you say:

'I had very weak faith before when I first met him, I didn’t know much and didn’t wonder much about Islam. But after getting to know him and having feelings for him it made me think about my life and Allah, and why he lives the way he does and why I believe, why Islam is the correct path.'

The question that I am going to ask you is that did you not have any faith in Islam or did you have weak faith in Islam before you met this person, and how could he have built up your faith for Islam, as a non Muslim? If he did, then maybe it was because he has a genuine interest in the religion of Islam, or maybe that he wanted to marry you and later accept the religion of Islam? Either way the message of Islam had already reached him, I presume he already knew that Muslims believe in One God, and that they believe in the Last Prophet of Islam as Hadrat Muhammad (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa 'aalihi wa Sallam).


If he didnt build up your faith in Islam, in that you already believed in the One God, and the Most Beloved Prophet of Allah the Almighty to be the Final Messenger (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam), then the weakness may have lied in yourself, as Islam requires that you MUST pray five times a day, no matter how much work you have, where you have to go, and even in cases of time, where time is so short, these prayers have to be said. Then comes the obligation of fulfilling your parents permissable desires, and yourself being a female, I can assure you that one day they did want to, or had thought about marrying you. Now whether it was a choice of your own, or whether it was their choice, is a seperate issue altogether.


Finally Islam disallows for any male to interact with a female, and any female to interact with a male, unless there are special reasons for doing so. Such reasons may be the society that we live in, or the type of work that we do. However, Islam definitely prohibits the interaction, loving, seeing, and friendship of a Muslim girl with a non Muslim. There are a thousand things out there that need doing for the sake of religion, and it may take people like yourself to achieve this! There is no time and place in Islam for a woman seeing a man, and definitely not for claiming that she has had her faith strenghthened on the basis of seeing, or working with a non Muslim.


My dear Sister, I do not want to discourage you in any kind of way, and nor do I intend to dishearten you. Nevertheless, you should put a great deal of effort in hating none, and loving all for the sake of Allah the Almighty. This is just a primary station that you may achieve in this world. But before you do so, you must adhere to what message the Beloved Prophet of Islam (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam) has brought down, and you must learn and follow His teachings. You must pray the five times salaah, every day without fail, you must study the Qur'an al kareem, and the teachings of the Messenger of Allah (Salla Allahu ta'ala alayhi wa aalihi wa Sallam) in the form of ahadith, and practice upon them without fail. There is no reason why that once you have achieved this, anything should intervene with your worldly life, just as you claim that it has done.


You must only make enough in this world which shall get you by, and think that in another forty or fifty years, you shall be surrendered to the earth, by the medium of death, and death is something that everyone has to face, including the non Muslims. You say:

'I see so much good in him, he is a much better human being than me. He respects Islam and has never tried to take advantage of me or asked for anything from me'

All human beings are good, and bad. There is not a single human being who is 'just good'. It is only a matter of time before it is revealed. However, this does not mean to say that you have to lower yourself, and your good qualities just because you see a good in another person. Muslims are people who walk with their heads high, in appreciation and thanksgiving, that they have accepted the Messenger of Islam (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam) to be the most Perfect Character, and to follow Him. You also say:

'He understands and tells me to do what is right for me, for my religion and my family. But because he is so understanding, and he never encourages me to do what is best for him, it just makes me love him more. I don’t know why this has happened, it might be a test of faith. If it is I know I will pass, because I will never marry him as a non-muslim, Allah is most important to me, I will force myself to be arranged and marry someone else however much it hurts me. But because I believe in Allah, I know Allah can do anything and I know Allah knows how I feel and our intentions, that’s is why I cannot seem to give up hope to be with him.'

You see the beauty of Islam states that you have to spread the message of Islam, as long as it is within your limits. If you were to say to this person that if he accepts the religion of Islam, knowing it to be true, then I will consider your proposal, would mean that your condition of him accepting Islam has to be fulfilled before you can marry, and marriage with a new Muslim could be so interesting, in that your lives maybe devoted to the learning, and finding out of Islam. But this proposal, shall remain a proposal until what has been written as advice in the first few paragraphs has not been digested.


Remember hope is a part of Iman, and the other particle is fear. Iman lies between fear and hope. Now if you have a bit of both maybe you could control, or be patient, or be understanding towards the fact that, it is not usual for an Islamic female to be in a position that you are in, and that something should be done about it, regardless of the fact that many women in Islam, normally do love their husbands, and have children with them, and carry on normal lives, regardless of whether their marriage was arranged.


Who knows, maybe when you stop working at the place you are working at, this era of your life will pass by, as you will have something else to look forward to. It maybe possible that a lot of people of your age do have similar issues, yet each one of them deals with it according to their own undertanding, on an individual basis. Maybe some people realise the wrongs that they have done, and then turn to the religion of Islam, and Allah the Almighty, and His Beloved Prophet (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam), for help and advice, because they are the ones who guide people, and it is they who do not want any Muslim to be led astray by the accursed Shaytan, and his tactics.



In any event, it is Allah the Almighty who guides people, and it is He who misguides people. We all pray to Allah the Almighty, that He keep us firm upon the religion of Islam, and its practices, and that any decisions that we make in life, are sought through His advice, and may He make our lives in this world, and lives after death, good lives, lives that we will be pleased to look forward to.



Wallahu Alamu Biththawaab



M. Waseem Ashrafi