How much of the truth to tell...

[Hasinah]

Assalamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

I have a question regarding my brother, he started liking someone ( a close family member). So all the sisters were aware of this so was the 'close family member' it became a mutual effect, attraction or whatever you may want to call it.

So me and my sisters thought we should let our parent know, and we'd let them know that we (meaning us 3 sisters) sat down and chose someone for our brother (whom my mom is always telling us to look for , so she can get him married, who not to mention always showed little or no emotion toward all this ((my brother))). Anyways so we told my mom that us 3 thought of all this, she was etremely happy and called the girls mom and discussed the whole thing. everyone was happy..

But...then not according to our plans my brother went and told our mom the whole truth. like what , how , and when...made him consider her. Just her general habits, the way she dealt with elderly and such. well anyways...our mom was in shock, that he had selected the girl himself. Anyways so the girl doesnt tell her mom much, being the more conserved one. While my brother continues telling my mom everything, like things they talk about (we try to have a 3rd person always around), and she continues to not tell her mom while my brother tells my mom everything they talk about. him telling my mom everything and having my mom tell the girls mom everything is causing mis understandings. And when the girl asks him why are u telling everything, it only makes things worse, his response is i want to tell the truth. My question to you is, should he be telling EVERYTHING they discuss to my mom? Or to my sister(well whoever isnt the 3rd person) even when its discussed 'dont disucss this in the grownups' it gets mentioned and later he says " mom was asking me, what was i suppose to lie? " is there a point where u can actually like give a 'white lie?' And should he cover up leaked information that shouldnt be given to parents, such as (we talked late last night...(3rd party is available then)). and then my mom has this feeback to her mom that your daughter was on the phone late last night, werent you aware of that? etc etc. its looked bad from the parents eyes, but we (the sisters) are just trying to see if they really can live eachother by having them talk, so they can discuss their differences. like better late then never...I hope all this made sense...
Jazaka'Allah for reading, pls do respond, awaing ur response...

[Imam]

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Assalamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu


Praise be to Allah who is the Lord of the Worlds, and may Endless Blessings be showered upon His Last Messenger (Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam)


Jazak'Allah for your question sister, and I am sorry for taking so long in responding to your query. I actually read your post, and was wondering whether I should answer your question, or just give you advice. As far as advice is concerned, then I have to tell you that your brother needs to be told, that he is not the one who should go out, and 'like', a girl, so that he can get married to her, but like you mentioned before, it pleases your mum that if you find someone for your brother, she will be pleased.


Since your brother now tells your mum everything, she now knows that it isnt you sisters who have found someone for him, but it is he, who has found someone for himself. This is another truth that has emerged. Your brother shouldnt even tell his mum everything, as telling everything can sometimes constitute a weakness, as some things may be told, that can lead one into trouble. Where marriage is concerned, then trouble is the last thing that anyone wants.


I think your brother should stop seeing this girl for his own benefit, because it is a sin to see someone you dont know, even though he may marry her in future. It is contrary to the way of Islam as a whole, and would be unacceptable, in a Muslim society. Your brother should also take heed from the person he wants to marry, as she doesnt tell her mother everything, so why is it that he tells his mum everything? I think the sisters should become more involved, as females should speak to females, and males to males, especially when there is so much 'talk' going around.


Personally, if both parents are happy, I would never get involved in 'brewing things any further', as this may lead to more loss, than gain. Then again, it is up to those people, i.e. the sisters who are closer to the brother, to tell him, that some form of constraint must be placed on his words.


I hope that there are no more 'unislamic' meetings taking place, and that 'brother' can control himself in what he says to mum. I hope that the sisters do take a lead in making what is good for both these people, not only for now, but for the future, and let us all pray that there are no more misconceptions about anybody.


Jazak'Allah


M. Waseem Ashrafi